I posted awhile ago about how the internet isn’t the consequence-free rant zone people would have you believe, mostly because of Facebook. We know too many real life friends and family on there, and I feel like essentially nothing I say there is consequence-free anymore. Even the occasional check-in is met with, “you were over here? Why didn’t you come visit me on my break?!”
Consequently, I often end up biting my tongue and not posting the pictures that I know you want to send your occasionally annoying contacts in response to their posts and comments:
1.) 
Thanks, Captain Obvious. That’s exactly what the thing you’re commenting on already said.
2.)
So you decided to comment after me and pretend to agree with me but then twist my point into something totally different. Great, now I look like an A-hole too. Wanna call my mom and tell her she smells while you’re at it?
3.)
Oh God. Here we go. It’s never cute puppies and “had such a great time with Gramma” with you. Going off Facebook alone, your life is basically a Morrissey song where literally nothing good has ever happened. Problem is, you live in the first world and I saw you at Urban Outfitters last week on Instagram (even though you captioned the pic “Raining again”), so I’m not impressed with the despair of your existence.
4.)
Ah, Vaguebooking. We all have a friend or fifty who are guilty. Whether it’s cryptic lyrics or a caption-less check-in at the hospital, it always leaves me eye-rolling and going, “just tell me.” You know you’re going to eventually, but your obvi-desperate cry for attention makes me all the less interested.
5.)
And finally, we all have the friend who seems to have only signed up for Facebook in order to express their political opinion. Thus, whenever you see a post that this person will have an opinion on, within 25 seconds their enraged comment will appear. It is truly impressive how often this person is enraged when they seem generally well-adjusted in real life. You can’t wait until they reach 70 years old and graduate from Facebook to birther email forwards.
What do you wish you could say to your Facebook friends, but can’t because you know them in real life?
What about the friend who won’t stop taking selfies? Like, we know what your face looks like by now. Stop it.
I feel you, Cora. In the makeup world there are many thinly veiled excuses for taking selfies, and we use all of them. Tell your friend Boots I said hi and that his taste in footwear is fierce.
I have SO many!!
1. Boob selfies are ok MAYBE once per quarter. NOT on the daily!
2. Don’t post how awesome your brand new man is all over FB until at least 12 months together. Some of ya’ll have the best new man ever every 6 months.
3. Don’t blast your ex and spill ALL the sins of the relationship because A. you might (probably will) get back with him, and then we hate him. B. Everyone over 30 knows there are two sides to your story.
4. An open letter to all your feelings, situations and ailments gets old SUPER quick. “Dear headache, go away!” “Dear traffic you suck” “Dear life, cut me a break” OK we get it, you like to write letters. Dear you, STOP!
Okay, this might be the most hilarious comment of all time. I officially request a Youtube video of you reading this!
Yes, you know how animated that video would be. With a 95% chance of shouting! haha
I also like the mystery group of “haters” it is almost like vague-booking but aimed at a seemingly large group of detractors that are always on the attack. I have yet to see said “haters” but I know they are out there somewhere waiting to attack. I am well prepared with affirmations.
If you posted more boob selfies, they would emerge from the woodwork…