Things People Say To Redheads (AKA The Redheaded Airing of The Grievances)

I like to write a positive blog for the most part. However, there comes a time when there must be The Airing of The Grievances. This is one of those times – the redheaded edition.

My head was born a blonde, but my heart has always been a redhead. I tried to deny it, I tried to fight it, but in the end I realized why my first instinct way back in high school was to go red – I had to embrace the redhead inside of me.

I thought the bonus to this move would be ditching all the dumb-blonde jokes and annoying come-ons. Little did I know, I was just trading one haircolor’s suite of witty repartee for another.

Without further ado, here are the things people apparently think about redheads based on what they say. I call it redhead prejudice – “redjudice”. Be warned – though I present them in good fun, most of these are fairly sexist. I imagine the things that are said to redheaded men are entirely different.

• We all like to fight. God forbid you show a modicum of disagreement or *gasp* annoyance. “There’s that fiery temper!” they’ll triumphantly exclaim, as if they’ve ‘caught’ you succumbing to your internal beast, like a hue-inverted Incredible Hulk.
• Every redhead looks like all other redheads – even fictional, cartoon redheads. I used to work with a girl who was a proper ginger (more on that later) with freckles and classic orange-auburn hair. Meanwhile, I was experimenting with Manic Panic’s fire-engine red dyes. The day after I dyed my hair, customers began commenting, “are you two sisters?” Uhm. No. No, we bear utterly no similarity to each other apart from having a hairstyle that falls under the massive window of shades in the warm color spectrum.The redhead you look most like is the one whose hairstyle is most similar to yours. No other features matter.
  • Redhead with a Veronica Lake sidepart? Congratulations, you’re Jessica Rabbit.
  • Redhead with pigtails? You are literally identical to Pippi Longstocking, no matter how non-flippy your tails, or whether they’re braided, or anything.

  
  Totally the same.

  • Wearing pink? Well gee golly red, you’re Strawberry Shortcake.
  • Also, any redhead in a bikini looks like Ariel from The Little Mermaid.
  • Redhead at a Wendy’s? Just leave. Get out while you can.
• For your sake, I truly pray for you that you are not actually someone’s redheaded stepchild. As each person in your life slowly realizes this fact, you will witness each of them having the same epiphany and laughing fit. Next, they’ll experience what seems to be a paralyzing inability to stop talking about beating you. Not okay.
• The most disgusting of human beings are very interested in whether or not the carpet matches the drapes. Most of these are just annoying, but I think this one should qualify for legally justifiable wallop in the princely delicates.
• The second most disgusting of human beings are preoccupied by the stereotype that redheads make for an exciting time in the sack. It doesn’t matter to them if your red is clearly a dye job (which presumably would negate any effect on your natural boudoir-specific qualities): it’s just a nice excuse to talk about somebody else’s private bedroom business, the same way some people use pregnant women’s showing bellies. (“Was it planned?” “All natural?” “Did you try for a girl?” All nice ways of saying “I’d like to know more intimate details of your sex life, please.”)
• All redheads are gingers, and the ginger jokes never ever get old. Ha ha ha, yes, very cute. South Park says that light skinned freckly people with red hair are called gingers and have no souls.Here’s the problem: not all of us are this variety of redhead. Some of us *shudder* dye our hair to achieve this effect and thus have none of the other ginger characteristics (making us fall more into South Park’s “daywalker” category). But this distinction doesn’t matter to those who cry “ginger” to us relentlessly multiple times a day. Ginger used to be a pretty name to give a little red-locked girl – now it’s a source of torment.My proposed solution: let’s start calling all the cute little brown haired brown eyed children “chestnuts” and laugh at how easily they attract lice. That’ll teach ’em.
• We’re all Irish. All of us. Never mind that Scotland actually has the highest percentage of redheads in the world (because red hair is most common among Germanic and Celtic people, and much of the once-prevalent true Celtic lineage is gone from the Ireland of today). We’re also all lucky because we’re all Irish, so prepare yourself to experience a socially acceptable form of harassment at casinos as grown men ask you to blow on dice, let them rub your hair and even offer a kiss on the cheek. Uhm. No. Redheads are not walking Blarney Stones. Leave us be!

For all my complaining, there are times I enjoy, laugh at and reap the benefits of the absurd things people do and say in their “redjudice”.

What have you experienced based on your hair color alone?